Selective Language Adjustment Parenting

 

We all have rebellious teens. Why, they wouldn’t be teens if they weren’t rebellious. With all the new, innovative ideas that we are entertained with constantly reminding us about how stupid we really are. I don’t know how we got by all these two million years from climbing down out of the trees to the launchpad to the moon without them.

But there’s one thing that rubs me the wrong way, and that’s the word, “No!” “No” is universal, almost the same in every language and when it adds the body language and inflection it supplies the necessary umph needed to reinforce the authority and the demand for control by the XYZ generation. 

 

“Take out the garbage.”

 

“NO!”

 

“Do the dishes.”

 

“NO!”

 

“Put the game down!”

 

“NO!”

 Bill the Butcher

 

See how this works? It is supplied with such impetus that after the average parent experiences it once the likelihood of ever venturing into the land of, “NO” again will be avoided at all costs. It causes a sociological syndrome known as “Tail Wagging Dog Disorder” or TWDD!

 

The infection spreads to bedrooms as well as the bath and even the yard. “Clean your room.” “NO!” TWDD is highly contagious and will infect other children in the home and even the dog. Finally, it causes a type of shift change where the child actually becomes the parent.

 

At this point the condition has gone from malign to malignant which can be terminal in regard to the family unit which quite frankly no longer exists. Amputation becomes the only viable option. College, Job Corps or perhaps the army may be applied to each child according to the level of infection. Then they can say, “NO!” to someone else with various rates of success. The phone calls and letters will keep the parents abreast of the success of the NO! hospice. In time actual memories of the children will be replaced by the pictures of their younger years and the advent of the inevitable Alzheimer’s which will make the parents believe the kids never grew up, and they will bask in this delusion until they are taken away so the kids can make one last visit to sell the house.

 

So, how do we avoid this situation? By a technique known as Selective Language Adjustment Parenting or SLAP! At the first sign of “NO!” smartly strike the cheeks at either end of the child, the force depending upon the volume of the word so as as to cause the very thought of the word to leave their consciousness at least temporarily. This method also works well on talking back and cussing. 

But a dog always returns to his vomit, and without booster shots each time the forbidden word is invoked the virus will mutate  until it runs full term, and you will see the prognosis outlined above. And therapy is vital. The child must understand that if SLAP is to be avoided, the word, “NO!” is to be forbidden in all conditions except when correcting the dog.

 

If this method is faithfully followed the home should be reasonably peaceful until the children have reached an age sufficient enough to leave home, procreate, and hopefully impart at least some of the wisdom bequeathed them by stable, loving parents. If not, they can let their children run wild and call you to piss and moan about  how this “new generation” is out of control! At that time you can empathize, be kind, and let them know you are going out of town for whatever reason and will not be available to watch the not so grand kids! After you hang up go to the Jacuzzi naked and lose the memory of that call in a bottle of scotch. 

Please pay the receptionist on your way out.