The Last Train to Jerusalem

 

 

 

The total landmass of the Middle East makes up less than ten percent of the total landmass of the world. Israel constitutes 0.0139% of the earth’s land mass. Texas, by comparison constitutes 0.15% of all the dry land on the planet. The percentage of the population of the Middle East compared to the number of people in the world IF you throw in North Africa is 6.3% and of that Israel holds sway to a little over nine million which when compared to the entire Middle East computes to roughly 0.018% or thereabouts give or take a few tourists in town for the weekend. The Gaza Strip, about the size of Las Vegas with none of the money has a little over two million residents that is shrinking as I write and they decided to shoot up a music event in the land of holy considerations, which heralded the end of the world by Baptist standards. Can I get an Amen?

 

And why the math lesson today? Well, as one who grew up with a jaundiced eye on the Middle East with a fundamentalist Biblical filter, I was eagerly waiting for the Second Coming believing, and still do believe that Jesus would eventually return and set things right. I kept stumbling over the admonishment of The Lord Himself who warned, “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven nor the Son, but only the Father.” This simple statement put the lie to the entire “Left Behind” series. That and all the super detailed analysis of The Book of Revelations, and the “prophecies” of Joseph Smith. Boy! That hurts, doesn’t it? I mean, not as much as riding a bicycle with no seat, but right on up there in the top five!

 

So what is it that causes all international bowels to go to Ozarka Water every time the Middle East burps? Think about it. If the Christians were as devout as all the 45,000 Christian denominations in the world would have us believe, wouldn’t you think that they would be overjoyed if the Boss came back and picked their sect to be the one? The repository of all truth? Or do I detect a bit of doubt here? Do they not believe or worse yet, do believe but they are not quite through sinning yet?

 

Israel’s official reorganization was on May 14, 1948 when the Provisional Government of Israel proclaimed the new State of Israel. Ben-Gurion proclaimed Israel. He didn’t part the waters of the swimming pool at the Hilton, he just said that Israel is that it is. We Texans tried that at the Alamo. Santa Anna piled us up and struck a match. But, given what The Jewish people had just lived through a homeland seemed in order. Only problem was that were other folks were home at the time.

 

I’m not gonna sit here in my house on Comanche land and piss off the Jews for rewriting a few deeds. Good deal. They kinda sorta maybe had a claim. They had been there for a considerable amount of time. We Texans just took Tejas. Hey, when we arrived there wasn’t anybody here but the help. So, Palestinians, sucks to be you! Life is rough out in the East. The Native Americans didn’t have the concept of actually owning land. You can’t “own” land! The Great Spirit owns the land! Guess the Great Spirit was greater than Allah or Jehovah. That’s why the Canarsies sold it so cheap. They were from Brooklyn! This is my surprised face. I mean, I’ve been to Brooklyn! They didn’t own the land. They weren’t even from Manhattan. They just saw the Dutch for what they were. “Hey Kemosabe! You want buy some sky too?”  So, the Jews reached back, and I mean way back, and found a claim. God told Abraham that his descendants would be more than all the Mexicans sneaking over the border at Nuevo Laredo! And they did fairly well until the Romans evicted them in 70 AD! Let’s do the math. 1948 minus 70 equals 1,878 years that the Jews had to live with relatives. Then, after the Final Solution they found their way back and set up a country on the saltiest, no oil spot in the Middle East. And, yeah, they chased the Palestinians down into a parking lot! At least Joseph had the good sense to take his wife and baby to Egypt until things cooled off a bit. So, why didn’t Egypt take in the Palestinians? Oh, that’s right! Mohammed said, “No!” So the disenfranchised sat there pissed off for seventy-four years and Allah told them to jump on a rock concert. You can’t make this up folks. And to date, as of yesterday, they are short over forty thousand perfectly good Arabs! Good move, Hamas!

So, given the size, fractured history, phony claims and whacked out religions, why does the world stop turning every time a bottle rocket flies in the Middle East? Because despite all our sophistication, all of our learning, all of our money, military, and Jesus Himself warning us about trying to pinpoint the day, our leaders play us like a bunch of fiddles and half the world hopes Jesus is coming soon while the other half hopes He ain’t. And the Jews laugh all the way to the bank. Just like the Prophet, Richard Pryor said, “Don’t go messing with them Jews without no money!” And the United States Government has been messing around over there since the New State of Israel lit their first Menorah! Now, I personally believe Israel can whip the entire Middle East with a slingshot. Hey! David did it, didn’t he? But everyone has to get their finger in the chicken soup. There’s gold in them thar sand dunes. They have oil! And they might be nuclear. If Israel had a nuclear arsenal, it would have blasted the Moslems back to the seventh century. Wait! They’re already in the seventh century.

 

Consider this. Cut off all money to the Middle East. Both sides of the equation. Oil?  Don’t worry about it. God blessed Texas! Let them sell it to the Chinese. Then, if they cut it off or raise the price see how that works out for them. I see a Chinese Restaurant on the Temple Mount. If they want a war let them have at it. Let God sort them out. But leave us out of it. We have a pole dancer running for President over here. We don’t need your problems. Joseph Smith told us The Garden of Eden is in Jackson County Missouri anyway. All the problems solved. I oughta be president!