“Ex” Is the Center of Next!

 

Ex-anything! There are reasons that you cancel someone out of your life. I’m talking about the short of murder solution, which can have its place at my age. At 73, life without parole is not that big of a threat. I’m talking about anything “ex!” Ex-wives, ex-bosses, ex-doctors, brothers in law, anyone you wouldn’t warn if you saw a bus about to hit them. THOSE people!

 

Ex-wives are a good start. Somebody you hate so bad that you can’t get along with them even while you’re screwing. Some chick that rubs you the wrong way to the point that the only reason you stayed THIS long is her cute-ass kid sister. A woman so arbitrary you are attracted to your mother-in-law.

 

They start out fine, usually. In fact, while you’re dating her you’re not sure if you can keep up with her in bed! She’s a living, breathing Karma Sutra. You get married and just drop the Sutra. All you have left is Karma. And people think God doesn’t have a sense of humor. Sometime along about the first and second year they take a fat pill, and then get mad because you don’t want her to get on top. So, you tell her you have asthma and pray some idiot steals her from you. And for God’s sake don’t let her clone. Some of these women are quite prolific. They’ll usually have three or four pups. And don’t give me that nonsense about Father’s Day, or Christmas or any other time consuming events where you endure. If you have enough money left after the child support find a young girlfriend and try to act like you’re not having a good time. They’re easy to find. I prefer UT girls who just flunked out. Mom and dad are so mad they won’t let them come home. Take them to you’re home, check for needle marks and you’re young again.

 

Ex-brothers in law! Jesus Christ sitting next to God Almighty waiting on you to show up naked! Now, I’m not talking about all brothers in law, just the ones looking for a place to live. They are almost always married and very religious. I mean Mormon religious where you can’t smoke a cigarette in front of them. Makes you want to ask them if they could have a dozen or so sister wives how’d they get stuck with that fat chick?

 

An ex-brother-in-law can walk through your house and just their very essence will screw up every electronic device you own. How do you clog up a cat box? No worries! They’re an expert at everything. And if you think the one who is looking for Jesus is bad get ready for the one who found Him. Being a formal professional drunk myself, I’m not saying Jesus can’t save these guys, but there seems to be a log jam on the River Jordan, don’t you think? I thought all these guys had shopping carts.

 

And getting them out is rough. It usually takes three tries to make it stick. You ask him to leave and he can’t hear you. You rent him a hotel room and he just enjoy’s the stay and then comes back thanking you for the wonderful weekend because he didn’t know how much longer he could “Take your shit!” Last, and certainly not least, the formal eviction. All the screaming and hollering and invoking Jesus (especially if they’re Mormon.) They have “no place to go.) Now he’s 57 years old and if you will notice, not one of his other relatives are calling to help him because they are previous victims. But one day he is out. Then the only problem you have left is his sister, your soon to be ex-wife and the bank records.

 

Don’t trust best friends. Ex best friends are murdered more often than any other malefactor in the human race. And they usually have it coming because you will intimate things to them that you won’t tell anybody else. Some bordering on prosecution. With the idiotic belief that there is some kind of mysterious bond that exists nowhere else in the realm of humanity.

 

And even if you don’t have an actual falling out and they just move away somewhere they are still running around with all that information that can spill out at a party and it grows. It’s like that telephone game we used to play before cell phones. They say you dated Susan and by the time it gets back to you it has evolved into a Mexican wedding to a twelve year old. And the story is so old and moldy it’s got that “truth stain” on it and before you know it all the relatives at the family reunion who have daughters are giving you the side eye. The only compensation is the daughters are just giving you the eye.

 

The world has so many “ex” possibilities in it that I can’t list them all here. It is impossible to navigate through life and not piss a few people off. The best you can hope for is to either die young or become one of those elusive old people who live in a trailer park that even the missionaries don’t visit. Human beings are social creature but so are dogs. And they return to their vomit from what I’ve been told. Don’t return to yours and don’t go back to ex-anything!