Living in the New World

 

 

 

Back in 1917 America was sucked into what would be World War I. The war to end all wars. If it was the war to end all wars why did they have to give it a number? They gave it a number because in only twenty-four years Europe came begging and pleading again because them nasty old Germans were, yet again, acting like a bunch of Krauts!

 

We took a short break and then we went into The “Cold” war on March 12, 1947 which lasted until December 3, 1989. And what was a “Cold” war? Again, pulling Europe out of the fire while the Russians, Chinese, and all the ships at sea developed a huge nuclear arsenal that they pointed right at us!

When Russia discombomarated peace in our time was declared, which lasted about eleven years until Vladimir Putin took over the reins in Moscow. Ra Ra Raputin! Even though the Berlin Wall was flat and a children’s playground sat on top of Hitler’s bunker Europe started screaming, pissing, and slinging snot and even though we didn’t jump on Russia we put bases everywhere but the Indian Nations, which we didn’t have to because we already stole their land. Ya Ta Hey Geronimo!

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So Putin came to Texas for BBQ at George’s place and we wrote NATO a blank check just in case Putin turned out to be a big ass liar (which he was) and World War III loomed on the horizon because while we were supporting every has-been country in Europe everybody including the Zulus had acquired an atom bomb!

 

The latest wrinkle in the blanket is Ukraine. What the hell are we getting mixed up in that for. We already got the Mexicans for all the meth we need. Hell no! Sell (or rather give) them missiles capable of hitting two-hundred miles or more into Russia while Putin already has pie on his face. And as of yesterday they’re missing how many perfectly good fry cooks from North Korea? But if Putin shoots one nuclear firecracker at Zelenskyy Biden can declare a national emergency and postpone the Inauguration. Ya’ll know Biden? The guy they found hiding behind a palm tree at the G20 yesterday. WHERE’S THE LEETLE GIRL?

Putin is already on edge. I mean, he’s losing a war against Ukraine! That’s like The United States losing a war against Colorado. (We haven’t lost a war against Colorado, have we?) Just checking. I mean, Biden’s been in office for four years. You never know. And Russia’s arsenal is a bit under par, but why have to go there? World War 1,2, and now looking at 3, and we don’t have a damn thing to do with it! Our society is fractured and the PEOPLE just elected a new president. Eighty-five percent of the people. And they weren’t all Crackers! Even the Amish voted for Trump and the Amish don’t even drive cars! The Chinese stepped back. “You makee no honorable iPhone!” So what in heaven’s name are we doing sending anything to Ukraine for? Let them slug it out. May the best foreigner win!

If we took all the money we throw at a wild hog’s ass and directed it here we’d have medical care, planes, trains, and automobiles and the homeless would all be working for the National Park System. I mean, they like the outdoors, right? National debt? Screw them! Come and get it. Oh, that’s right, you can’t. We cut your bullets off. My bad.

And of course, we gotta worry about the Middle East. What the hell is that all about? They been at each other’s throats since David knocked Goliath in the head with a rock. And pardon my xenophobia but they all look alike to me. And across the board they all hate us. We are the “ugly Americans.” The red-headed stepchildren. The problem at the root of all problems. Fine! Let’s take our ball and go home. We have an entire western hemisphere to work with. They can keep the rest.

 

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if tomorrow you wake up and discover Putin just bombed Ukraine out of existence, China recalled TikTok, and all those celebrities who said that they’d leave America if Trump won really LEFT! And we were sitting here safe and sound because they’d all be counting beans instead of bombs. And you read the news and are able to say, “Well, that was special!”