Laws and Bye Laws

 

 

There are laws that should already be on the books. Things that make common sense and doesn’t consider John and Jane Q Public to be Public Enemy Number One. First and foremost, laws should be written in language that everyone should be able to understand. You shouldn’t have to have a degree or hire a mouthpiece to wade through legalese of double negatives or words that haven’t been used since the Magna Carta. And situations should be handled organically with a heaping helping of common sense. That in and of itself should disqualify most lawyers. So, with an eye firmly on life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, let us launch upon the stormy seas of understanding.

 

Taxes Castles and the IRS

In Texas there is a homestead act. Basically, as of 2023 $100,000 of the value of one home, ie where you actually live is tax free. Like, say your house is valued at $150,000 you pay taxes on $50,000. Seems fair enough, but. And that’s a big butt. Your butt. Enter the IRS. The Federal Government doesn’t see that. Certain things they don’t hold to be self evident anymore. God, the rights of home ownership, the sanctity of the family and most of all debt collection. If you owe the IRS they will literally come and take your birthday. Don’t think so? Owe them and try to get a passport. The Mexicans won’t even sex traffic you. Ask Willie Nelson. They will come, with guns, and take your ass, hat, and all your cattle. They took Willie’s pictures of family for any “intrinsic” value that may abound. Now, any way you look at it that’s a whole new level of fucked! Over a debt. It’s kinda logical. I mean, since we went from gold to Monopoly money they do own the money by virtue of the printing press. But wouldn’t you think that the pursuit of happiness should apply a bit more than cross dressing on Pride Day? Like maybe, your home being your castle?

Solution: One house is yours! If you owe the bank, fine. That’s between you and them. If you have a mortgage you don’t own it anyway. They do! But no government entity should be able to kick in your door and take your dog. And whatEVER you owe in compound interest, penalties, fines, and just because fees can’t touch your home. Garnish wages? Sure. Take investment properties? Why not? But you, your home and the stuff inside should be yours.

Now for property taxes. None! No taxes on your home. Taxes from sales, commercial areas, licensing etc will more than cover the cost of that mural of George Floyd downtown. Paying property taxes on the home you paid the mortgage on is in effect renting your house back to yourself.

You should at least be happy at home. Everyone needs a break from the world. The world is a bitch and since you’re already married to one you can only tolerate one bitch at a time.

 

The Death Penalty

One of the things I like to watch is Iranian hangings. They always screw it up. Albert Pierrepoint, the famous English executioner, went through great lengths to figure out weights and balances to dispatch the convicted rather expeditiously to the glory of the crown. It was said from hood to hell was about seven seconds.

The Iranians, on the other hand, rely on a more modern mechanized method to dispatch the accused. Rather than a short drop, they fix the noose around the neck, connect the other end to a crane and just lift the unlucky bugger high enough into the air so as to give a good view to the crowd that invariably gathers for such an event. When the prisoner stops kicking and pissing they take him down and bury him chop chop because according to Islamic law he has to be in hell before sunset. Women get a slightly different treatment. They get to wear their burka but the coil of the noose is positioned directly under the chin so as to add a few minutes to the thing. Oh, and if they happen to be pregnant? Hell, they hang that little bastard right along with mommy.

Ever how you look at it, capital punishment is ugly. Let's look at America. In the old days you’d get found guilty of any one of the multiple offenses that could put you on the gallows and in short order they’d hang ya. Just enough time allowed for street vendors to set up their carts for the sale of piss warm beer and BBQ. And they would drop you (Long or short), sling you; You think I’m kidding? There was a type of hanging after the rope was attached you’d be slingshotted heavenward if it didn’t jerk off your head. But any hanging could decapitate depending on the ability of the one pulling the leaver.

Then came the electric chair. Now theoretically you were dead the moment the switch was thrown. But, not really understanding brain death they generally fried the accused until smoke came out of the ears. And you know the corpse was jumping and twisting the entire time.

Gas chambers were a gas. Excuse the pun. I can’t find one convict that didn’t try to hold their breath when they heard the pellets drop. And talk about a show! Breathe liquid fire and not give a show. Chokes you so bad you can’t even scream for mommy. And if there’s a leak in the seal? Shut the front door! Or open it because the witnesses will be taking their potty break.

Then came lethal injection. Sounds good, except it almost never goes as planned. The way things are supposed to work out is the first shot puts the condemned to sleep, second paralyzes him (so even if it hurts he can’t bitch about it) and number three stops the heart. But first they gotta find a vein. Kinda hard on a main line drug addict that’s laying there because he likes to rape and kill little girls. They fish for a spot. One time they gave the needle in the main vein. Yeah guys. THAT vein! How’s that little girl now Buppy? But if all goes well the guy farts and snores and goes to sleep. That just takes all the fun out of it, don’t you think?

And we can’t go without giving a tip of the hat to nitrogen. Simple. Take all the oxygen and replace it with an inert gas of absolutely no value to the human condition. The doctors and scientists say they’ll just slip away. Yeah. Just like they said a cloth mask will screen out a virus. Piss piss shit shit oh what a show it is. The execution was over in fifteen minutes. Kinda like burning at the stake.

 

I could go on and on about the various methods of execution, but the bottom line is there just ain’t no nice way to kill people. Nobody wants to die. Even the guy that jumps off the Golden Gate Bridge invariably changes his mind the second he hits the air. Prove me wrong. And it takes twenty years or more to get anyone in the final solution. Then some will protest their innocence with their last breath. Were we wrong this time? The percentage of innocent people on death row is around 4.1 percent. 4.1 percent pardoned before their due date. The only thing higher than that is my divorce rate. Can you live with that?

No, I have a solution. If you get sentenced to death the idea is that you will die in prison should all go as planned. In twenty years they’ll wheel this poor bastard to the green room, drooling on his shirt, and he’ll get the jolt, or shot, or whatever the state comes up with by then and bear in mind these are the same folks that set up the tax structure. (See the above.) Give then life. And I mean life. Never get out. Know that the last thing they’re ever gonna see is the grey walls of a prison infirmary that’s short on medicine. Life without life. If they’re a really despicable kind of guy, you know, little girls, give them a basketball and lots of time in the yard. And . . . if you just gotta kill somebody then after the last appeal, since they are in a solitary cell anyway, just don’t feed them anymore. All the screaming and begging will let his cell neighbors know what’s in store for them.

 

There are more improvements that I have for the American legal system. I’ll come back from time to time to share. Y’all be cool.