Texas and its Forty-Nine Bitches

 

 

Texas takes a lot of lip when we show our national pride. Oh, I’m sorry. Let me explain. Unlike the great wasteland known as Amerika, Texas began its current journey as a Republic. Santa Anna took it upon himself to cancel the Constitution of the Republic of Mexico and ran up here to put down the expected dissent that immediately cropped up. He rolled right over the Alamo but Houston handed him his face down around San Jacinto. The Republic was born that day and Mexico’s been mad ever since. ¡Ánimo, Paco!

Long about ten years into it a contingent of representatives decided that being part of Manifest Destiny might be the way to go. Now being a constitutional democracy, a vote was held, and it was decided that Texas should annex the then fledging United States. Texas went to bed with a ten and woke up with a two.

The now newly minted Lone Star State tried to Yankeefi Texas but that pesty old Tejas just kept popping up. You see, the attitude of the people here was one of renewal. A fresh start. All that land and weren’t nobody here but the help. And they could see that great things could be drawn out of adversity. A guitar don’t play until you tune it. But the US had its own rules. They had a constitution too. Just like Mexico had. They never read it, but it ended up real pretty under glass in a museum. Right next to the Derringer that blew Lincoln’s communist head off. We tried. Oh Lord how we tried. America hadn’t gone plumb crazy yet. Back in them days there was only three genders, male, female, and sister-in-law, but every time a question about their constitution came up they’d just add a comma and eat another bagel.

The US was all pent up about slavery. The Yankees didn’t like the employment situation down south, but they did like the cotton. So New Yawk would buy the cotton for Pennie’s and sell it to the Limeys for dollars, pounds, or whatever they have over there. The south put up with this for oh, about eighty-five years and said, “Screw this! We quit!” They formed The Confederacy and them same rainbow senators in Austin decided that it might be prudent Texas to join in. And Lincoln jumped up and said, “Oh patooee! We ain’t got no mo T-shirts!” and the fight began.

Six hundred and fifty thousand graves later Lee gave his Sword to Grant because he thought Grant was a blacksmith and would sharpen it for him, and the war of Northern Aggression came to an end. And you think that so-called Constitution was messed up before, weeee doggie, you hadn’t seen nothing until them mackerel snappers in Washington realized all them slaves didn’t have no jobs no more. They redefined the word “Ammendnent.” All men are created equal, but carpetbaggers were a little more equal. Texas had never actually been invaded during that Civil Uprising and the reason was quite simple. The Yankees hunkered down in the Battle of Where the White Women At, and when they were checked out there wasn’t a green card among the lot of them. Shucks! We already had that going on down at Laredo. Didn’t need it! But somebody’s brother-in-law was on Galveston, and well, you know. One got in and all the other brother in laws just slipped right on in.

Then began Texas’ great descent into the “Go along to get along” approach to trying to figure these Yankees out. They were everywhere. They had to get their boots from China because they were allergic to leather, the invented Inccome Tax to float the welfare rolls in Detroit, and tried to pimp the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. Their mamas never liked them. Just when you think they can’t pervert the human condition anymore they come up with reparations for people that the only cotton they ever picked was from their closet. Time for a change.

They destroyed the gold standard because the gave all the gold in Fort Knox to Queen Elizabeth for a date with Diana. Plugged up the oil wells so the Ragheads could fund more flights into their buildings and slandered the memory of Bonnie and Clyde. I don’t hold any grudges, but I wouldn’t want one of them to marry my sister. And now they finally have a president who’s got a pair, and they’re all pissed off because he paid a lady of the night. But that makes perfect sense when you look at it because Yankees don’t know if they should stand or squat. And these people won the Civil War? Jesus Christ sitting next to God Almighty waiting on them to show up naked!

Texas needs to regain its national identity. Heck, Ireland tried to put an embassy down in Austin because the thing we already divorced this bitch. But it’s on the way. Little by little Texas is inching toward independence. Making the girly-men just a little more uncomfortable day by day. Taking our schools back, opening up oil production and sending Elon to teach them how to make planes, trains, and automobiles. They’re still trying to get rid of all that vaccine they stockpiled when they tried to eliminate the human race.

It’s gonna be a long fight but if we believe in God and Willie we gonna get there. The sun will eventually rise on a New Republic of Texas where men are men, women are women, and the sheep are nervous! God bless TEXAS!